One Hell of a Life (aka The Horrible Battle Arena)
by JenovaWitness
Summary: A burst of insanity just waiting to be read. That doesn't mean it's safe... The title explains it all. R+R! Hope you like... *evil laugh*


Warning: Slight swearing, plain insanity and lots of fluoride toothpaste!   
(Just kidding bout the toothpaste, guys ^_~)  
  
  
-=[One Hell of a Life (Aka the Horrible Battle Arena)]=-  
  
  
Oh dear god. Please no. Anything but this. PLEASE!! Have mercy!   
  
Damn it. Well, now that I'm here I guess I should fight.   
  
*heart-wracking sob*   
  
Barret, tell Tifa I love Aeris, and tell Yuffie that her motion sickness will eventually get the better of her. Tell Red that I'm sorry about accidentally using his brush, and tell Cid I'm sorry that I used his spear for a toothpick. Oh, and tell Sephiroth that despite all this… I still love him! Actually, forget that last one. Oh geez, do I really have to go through with it? Surely there must be some other way to get Omnislash…  
  
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-  
  
  
This place is creepy… I guess I just run into the middle of the square. Ah shit man!   
  
Battle Starts  
  
Oh, I have to fight a couple of Jayjujames and a Bizarre Bug? That's alright then.   
*Slash, slash, slash*  
  
Woohoo! That was easy as! Barret, did you see that?  
  
Yeah, we saw it Cloud. Don't be such a moron. There's more.  
  
M-more? B-but, I th-thought it was o-only one b-battle… Damn man. Maybe I should kill myself now. Save the trouble. That whole ten second battle and I only got 10 Battle Points?! I NEED 32000! SHIT! Barret, you get in here and shove these foo's 'round, aight?   
  
Dream on, Spike.  
  
Vincent? Please?  
  
Sorry Cloud. I do not wish to participate in this.  
  
ARGH!   
  
Do you wish to keep battling, Customer 35742?  
  
Damn straight! I ain't gonna be a number, I'm going to be a winner!  
  
Very well then. I hope you do not regret your decision  
  
I won't! Or my name's not Cloud Strife!  
  
Is that your name? My name is Lisa  
  
Pretty name- hey… wait a minute. Are you supposed to be talking to me?  
  
Of course! Happy fighting! Just need to fix your slot start and you can begain!  
  
Now I know I'm losing it. Oh well, next battle it is. Hang on, what's a slot start?  
  
We get to take away some of your abilities or possessions from the battles  
  
Do I get them back?   
  
… Of course  
  
Okay then… What's my weakness?  
  
Congratulations! You have gotten the Lucky 7 slot! No weakness for you!  
  
Woohoo! Thanks babe!  
  
*blush* No problem, Mr Strife  
  
*whisper* See, Vince? Told ya the lady at the desk had the hots for Spike!  
  
I believe you are right, Barret.  
  
Yeah, bring it on! I'm ready for you! Cloud Strife will be the winner! Ooh, Under Lizards! Love those things! 'Cept when they turn me into frogs and I can't move and they slowly kill me… DIE YOU EVIL REPTILIAN BEAST!  
  
*Counter attacks one, then slashes other*  
  
YES! I am the blonde enormous-sword-wielding man! Hahaha! I laugh in the face of Under Lizards!   
  
*trips and falls flat on the ground*  
  
Whoops! That never happened!  
  
Yes it did, Spike! Wait til Cid hears about this one!   
  
I said that never happened, Barret.  
  
*Fingers hilt of sword evilly*  
  
Sh- I mean, yeah, never saw anythin'.  
  
Much better. What's next, Lisa?  
  
More slot starts. Let's see… your weakness shall be… Lucky 7 again!  
  
*mutter* Damn bitch.  
  
Hmm… rather odd, I agree.  
  
Ooh, yes! I am gonna win this! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Thanks, Lisa!  
  
Anytime. Here we go!  
  
Yikes… A Doorbull. Oh well, nothing I can't handle. I did kill Hojo after all.  
  
I assisted you, Cloud.  
  
Yeah, yeah, Vincent. I know.  
  
Me too!  
  
Tifa?!   
  
*No answer*  
  
Oh well. Prepare to die, Bulldoor!  
  
*hiss to Cloud* It's Doorbull, Spike.  
  
I knew that.  
  
*Gruesome sound effects, Ragnorak slices through air and eventually kills the Bulldo- *cough* Doorbull*  
  
Another win for me!  
  
*smirks widely*  
  
Yes. Another slot start, Cloud. Another Lucky 7! You are one lucky man!  
  
*jealous mumble* Or one favoured spiky assed moron.   
  
I heard that, Barret!   
  
*weak smile*  
  
Nothin', Cloud! Didn' say nothin'!  
  
Anyway, next fight, please! Ooh, a… Boundfat? And three, erm, help me out here, Vince!  
  
Regretfully, I don't know what they are.   
  
Damn little seahorse things! Makin' me go… dark…  
  
*eyes turn red, voice goes husky*  
  
Hehe. Killed them all. I am all powerful. Luke, I am your father.  
  
Huh?   
  
Pardon?  
  
What?!  
  
Nothing.  
  
*Tranquilizes arm, cured of Darkness*  
  
'Kay, bring it on, Lisa! What now?  
  
*mutters* I wonder.  
  
Shut up, Barret! I am just lucky.   
  
*cracks up*  
  
Lucky?! Lucky 7! Get it! Hahahahaha…  
  
Another Lucky 7 for you, Mr Strife! Well done!  
  
*gets up angrily, shaking the gun-arm*  
  
Damn you, ya cheating cow!  
  
Mr Wallace, I'm offended!  
  
Damn right you are! You should be!  
  
Please sit down, sir  
  
Whatever.  
  
*very evil eye towards Lisa… um, camera facing arena*  
  
Lessalopoths! Gotta love 'em! Haha, how do you like the Ragnorak, eh? Hehe. No… no Avalanche. Please? ARGH!!! COLD!! I'm getting eczema!  
  
I believe you mean hypothermia.  
  
WHATEVER, VINCENT! I'm gonna kill these SOB! Good for nothing Freeze spell! Oh well, I'll get them the old fashioned way. By sword!  
  
*evil cackle as the scary bird things disappear, dead*  
  
GREAT!! Now onto the slots! You are cured, Cloud! Yay!  
  
Ooh, this is getting on my nerves now. Where's the manager of this damn place? Shouldn't this be against the rules?  
  
Yay! Another battle for me! Hehe. Who am I fighting now?  
  
*colour drains from face in a movie-like way*  
  
I HATE those chicken things, what are they called? Headbombers, that's it. And a Cuahl? Geez, I feel so loved. Hehe, do you like –scary- movies? Or a Finishing Touch Limit Break?  
  
Another win, Mr Strife. This is your lucky day! Now- umph!  
  
*nervous chuckle*  
  
L-Lisa? You there?  
  
This is not Lisa Marie, Customer 35742. This is Ronald Mackie. You are to be a frog next battle  
  
Aw, damn. Okay.   
  
*triumphant laugh*  
  
The squirt got what she deserved! Yeah man! Haha, Spike!  
  
I hate to inform you that the harder it is for Cloud to battle, the longer we remain here.   
  
Shit.  
  
Kay, what's next? I'm ready for it! Ribbit! Shit, I'm a frog! Ribbit! And what the hell is that thing?  
  
*scream*  
  
I didn't know he could scream like that.   
  
You don't know a lot 'bout ol' Spike, Vincent.  
  
It looks like, like, that thing from the Little Shop of Horrors! Please, I can't take anymore of this horrible torture! Just gimme the Omnislash Limit Break and we'll call it even! PLEASE?!  
  
Sorry, can't do that. You have to continue until you win a battle or die  
  
*shrug*  
  
Okay. Tentacle thing, prepare to meet… Dazers! And 8-Inch Cannon! And.. and, achoo! Bad Breath? You bastard!  
  
*shrinks, falls asleep and gets poisoned*  
  
Is the kid gonna be alright?   
  
Most likely. Lisa, stop that! Stop trying to reach that gun!  
  
I'm awake, it's okay! Just a little poisoned and shrunk. Woo…  
  
*attacks monster, then the monster retaliates by using Bad Breath again*  
  
What a damn foo' coward crap!  
  
Please refrain from that language, sir. There are children in the audience  
  
No, there ain't!  
  
Oh… carry on, then  
  
*A certain spiky haired mercenary wakes up, uses 8-Inch Cannon on self*  
  
Ouch.  
  
SHIT!  
  
Yikes!  
  
Oh dear.  
  
Great Scots! The time machine has brought me… here? Back, back Einstein, back in the car. We'll go back to where we came from.  
  
Right… Ah bugger, Cloud? Cloud, you alright?  
  
*glare*  
  
Do I LOOK alright to you? GET ME A RESTORE MATERIA NOW!  
  
The battle is over. You have gained 0 BP. You have 0 BP  
  
*cries*  
  
All that for… nothing? Please tell me you'll just gimme Omnislash now!  
  
Sorry, son. No can do  
  
*breaks down in sobs and rolls on the floor in agony*  
  
Marie, check the tentacle thing. Give it another rabies injection. It's poisoning customers again!  
  
If at first you do not succeed…  
  
Kill the bastard that did ya wrong!  
  
No, Barret. You-  
  
Kill Sephiroth?  
  
No, Cloud. You-  
  
Blow up some damn person?  
  
ARGH! Forget it. Why don't you try again, Cloud?  
  
I guess so…  
  
  
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-  
  
  
*Two battles later*  
  
Ahh, I actually beat those SOB! Damn frog things. And that Snow woman. Don't you just hate her?  
  
No, funnily enough.  
  
Eew, Vince! Grot-tay!  
  
Hey, Cloud!  
  
LISA!! You're back?!  
  
Yep! Stupid Ronald is out cold  
  
You… knocked him out?  
  
Yep! Now go and beat those monsters!  
  
Kay. It's just another Acrophies. Nothing to worry about.  
  
Great one! Oops, the stupid machine is stuffing up, you lost half your MP! Sorry…  
  
Don't worry, I'll be right. Just a couple of Lessalopoths.  
  
*bird things dead*  
  
See?  
  
Heh, jus' wait til he meets Count Tentacula again.   
  
Don't discourage him, Barret. He's trying.  
  
Hehe. Okay Vince. Cause, well, he's tryin' and all.  
  
Are you mocking me?  
  
Course not.  
  
Shut up, guys, I gotta get another slot start. Hit it, Lisa!  
  
This is not Lisa. This is Dido, Lisa's in the bathroom. Everything all right in here, Cloud?  
  
*cough*  
  
Yes, s-sir. What is my slot start?  
  
Down ten levels  
  
Damn. What am I f-f-fight-ting… I HATE those things. I'm gonna die, ain't I?  
  
*hushed whisper* You think Cloud is ever gonna get any Battle Points?  
  
Only time will tell, Barret. Only time will tell.  
  
*holds up Time Materia to his ear*  
  
Barret, why are you holding that Time Materia?  
  
Well, you said Time would tell…  
  
Oh man…  
  
  
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-  
  
  
3, 957, 332 battles later…*  
  
Geez, I'm eighty four now, but I got enough Battle Points! YAY! Wonder if Sephiroth is still alive…   
  
*notices the wreckage of Meteor around him*  
  
Um, guys? Barret? Vincent? L-Lisa? Ronald? … Dilo?   
  
DIDO, moron. I'm dead  
  
D-Dead? No… it can't be… I have to kill Sephiroth!  
  
Sorry kid. Everything's destroyed  
  
How about… the item exchange machines…?  
  
Um, not sure. Go check. I'll… wait here  
  
*runs outside, and beams widely at the sight of the item exchange machine standing alone amidst wreckage and destruction*  
  
Yes! Omnislash, here I come! I got the whole 32000 Battle Points, and you're mine! Why ain't it coming out?  
  
Welcome. You currently have 32560 battle points  
  
Yeah, I want Omnislash.  
  
Calculating… calculating… calculating… I'm sorry, you have yet to reach your target of 64000 battle points. Please try again later  
  
WHAT?! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! I GOT YOUR DAMN 32000 Battle Points!  
  
This is Disc Three, dearie. You need 64000 BP for Omnislash now  
  
Oh… my… gosh…  
  
  
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-  
  
  
-# Epilogue #-  
  
And so Cloud returned to the Battle Arena with a heavy heart. Somehow, miraculously, there were still monsters to battle.   
  
To this day, Cloud will live in our hearts, remembered as 'The Boy Who Let the World be Destroyed and Still Determinedly Struggles to Gain Omnislash'.   
  
Thank you for sharing his adventure. We hope to see you again in 'Cait Sith's Rise to Hentai Fame and Fortune'! Stay tuned!  
  
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-  
  
  
Authors Note:- Um. I don't know what the hell I was on when I wrote this, but I do know what drove me to constructing this madness. It was all the Battle Arena! I wanted to get the Omnislash, and then- this… _ Heh, I guess that explains it. Has anyone actually got the damned thing? Is it worth it? If you've read up to now, then I thank you for your interest. By the way, you know the four Lucky 7's and then the Cure? That actually happened!! I couldn't believe it. *still in shock* Weird huh? I got the Clipboard Pile pics too, so I'll publish them when I figure it out. Feel free to, yanno, kick back and relax, submit a few reviews? It's very much appreciated! Thanks!  
  
  
Note #2: The Author claims no ownership to the characters in this fanfic, nor the Gold Saucer or anything basically related to Final Fantasy VII, which is all property of some multi-millionaire company aka Square Soft.  
  
Note #3: The real Author has yet to reach 32000. She is on 11000 now, and is on Disc 3. That means what I think it means, doesn't it? *cries*   



End file.
